He looked at me and giggled, I was like, “Hey what’s with the giggles?” cause actually everytime he looked at me today, he started his giggles and I didn’t lie about how I actually liked it when he smiled and giggled like that though I was thinking if there could’ve been something wrong on my look that made him giggle and all that stuff. God damn it, if only I hadn’t noticed or had the feeling that he was stealing chances to glance even stare at me for maybe not so long but longer to be called another glance, I wouldn’t now be having a chance to like that guy more than just in a casual way. Because I still have no idea, I can’t really tell yet whether he likes me that way plus that he, I think, still has a girlfriend and tweeted about how much he loves and cares for her, and I didn’t find myself jealous or annoyed with that , which is a strange thing right? Well maybe yeah I do like this guy but not that much I would even call this as a huge crush, or maybe not yet, I’ve been like, trying my very very best to not let myself drawn into him even further and that’s where lies my new fear about how it could happen soon as we work under the same roof. He and I aren’t talking much due to our differences in our work circumstances and everything else, which I find not so exciting and kind of hope for more than just chitchats between the two of us. And yet, there’s another bug buzzing around me. I hope for more than just chitchats meaning I wanna get to know him and him to know about me more and what also scares me is how there might be a chance I could like this guy a little bit more and what if, (oh how I hate what ifs!) he has no interests in me anymore, and what if (again!) he actually never had it all in the first place that it was all just me,my feeling, my guesses, speculations, whatever turning out to be wrong and I didn’t trip anymore, I’m falling… woah, thinking about it doesn’t excite me ever, it sucks. For once in life, I wanna like a guy that particular same exact way how he likes me. Not something like this, where I might’ve been just stuffing myself with speculations shit. This is a blur in my eyes, and just what I wouldn’t give to see far clearer.
I believe there is God. No matter where he is. I believe it because if we look back, before there were humans, or basically any living creatures, I mean the planets, the universe and space stuffs you know, I believe they just didn’t pop out of nowhere. Just like soap bubbles, they wouldn’t be soap bubbles floating in the air without anyone who makes the formula and blow it through the wand. So I believe there must’ve been someone who made our entire space in the first place, regardless if God also made living creatures just like in the bible says. But right now, I don’t think I belong to any religions, I mean I used to be a christian and got baptized and went to church, were in a youth program and that sort of stuffs but these past two years, my mind has been changed. I mean, I don’t look at religions as bad things, these days it’s the people who make the religions look horrible. For me, whether you’re a religious person, doesn’t stop you from being the devil inside you. Because I’ve testified it. I live in a country where you must have a religion despite you’re a bad ass motherfucker. People here think that other people with no religion are the worst. They just believe in their holy books, close their eyes and minds to experiencing the part of the reality that could show them it’s not always like that. Maybe this doesn’t occur to everyone here but most people that I know who live here think that miserably.
Me, even though I went to church, sounds like I used to be religious, in fact, I became a christian when I was 12, before that I was a moslem because my dad is, but I never felt like I was supposed to be a moslem. I wasn’t interested in it. So I became a christian because my mom’s family is basically a christian family, my cousins and I used to go to church together, but still, where other people could feel the holy spirit inside them, I just never ever have felt that way. Like, I don’t know what happened but I wasn’t that much religious even when I went to church every sunday. Now I’ve been thinking that maybe I wasn’t meant to like any religions to be a part of me. I believed in bible because they told me I had to since I was a christian, makes sense but I only know a few bible stories, even sunday church little kids may even be better than me. I don’t badmouth any religions, really, just because I said I didn’t like any of them to be a part of me, something that I’m supposed to hold on to, doesn’t mean I generally dislike religions. I just think like this:
If all religions say they teach good stuffs for the good of their followers, that there’s only and one God even when there are many religions then religions were made up by some people in the first place, to me it seems like that, then I can also make one for myself, right? I can arrange the way of how I wanna praise God.
People belonging to a religion believe in heaven and hell. I don’t know if they truly exist, I don’t believe in them. Those people they are told to do good things in order to get a ticket to heaven but honestly, why can’t they stick to the idea of doing good things (to themselves or other people) because it’s a good thing to do so, it’s helping, it’s beneficial for the helpers and the helped ones? That idea of behaving nice and doing good things just so you’ll get to heaven really bothers me. We should care about each other because it’s an act of humanity. It’s selfish to do good things to people motivated by your urge to get just yourself into heaven.
So, right now, I don’t know what to call myself. I still scream jesus christ when I freak out, lol but it kind of bothers me when people here ask about my religion and I have to answer I’m a christian and it is so sinful in my eyes to put a show like that otherwise if I explain to them they’d be freaked out. I love this country for its beautiful heritage but I wanna live where I can be open about what I believe without anyone’s judgement.